Mood:  blue
Now Playing: John Mayer
I'm going to get this all out of me right now...and then I'll move on...and everything will be a little bit better...OKAY!?!? Good...I miss Callan....oh yes...I miss him alot...Boy oh boy did I fuck something up...I guess I should really be asking that...did I? I mean did I fuck something up? Every day...I spent every day with him. I'd go to school and all I could think about was coming home to see him blah blah blah I wont get all emo right now...but then he had to go to Utah to see Kim...and I got with Ryan...Callan comes home...and I don't hang out with him as much cause I'm with Ryan and so I spend alot of time with him...so Callan starts hanging out with Ryan's ex...and what can I say I mean Callan isn't a dumb guy...pretty girl vs. not so pretty girl...makes sense...still sucks All I know is I can't stop thinking about it...Some one God...I need some one...Loneliness is known to kill people...literally. Of all the things on this earth I could die of...just don't let me die alone
Fin

I'm done laying flat...it's time to fucking sharpen my teath!!!
They said they'd give me everything
Here's the part that made me laugh
They didn't give me anything
And then they took half of that
SHARPEN YOUR TEATH OR LAY FLAT!!!!!
I'm seriously sick of this...I'm sick of being thrown around by everyone...family,friends,guys,the only person who treats me like a human being with feelings is Ashley! I do everything for everyone...I'm so giving and I love making people happy...I love being true and faithful and honest with people...I love being the best person I can be...but things are just starting to wear me out...If you don't want to hang out with me don't tell me we're gonna hang out..or at least call and let me know we aren't going to so I know what's going on...I'm done...I'm seriously done...with everyone...everything...it really sucks to know your hitting this sort of bottom...but it's to the point where I care sooooo much about people...that I don't even want to care at all any more...at all...that's really sad...why can't everyone just be decent to one another...everyone is so used to being ruthless and mean...and being treated likewise that when some one truely good comes along they don't even know what to do with themselves and so...they do nothing but treat him/her like they would any other person...like crap...like freakin crap...I have feelings and right now I freakin wish I didn't...I'm done...

I'm out of high school...yay...I'm about to eat some chicken noodle soup...I almost put soap...chicken noodle soap...mmm mmm good...Well...I must say that I am glad I chased after this one I have a feeling things are going to work out nicely between us...maybe perfect...he's like my other half...haha mmm oh my gosh this is soo good...okay okay I think I ate too much...blah..Well I played Resident Evil for a good while...got kinda far...not as far as I'd like but eh...haha I'm such a nerd...He faught a fire last night until two this morning...crazy...tomorrow we are going to find a guitar case and a bango...how exciting!! no joke I'm really stoked to listen to him play...ahhh he's so freakin awesome! Well I think I'm going to go to Callan's here in a bit and listen to his band play...they are so great!!! Watch out before you know it this band is going to be big...well not too big...they don't want to be too big...big enough though...well...wow being out of school is already a little nerve wracking...just to think I can do whatever I please now...it's like my life is all up to me...scary....HA! scary my ass...I've been taking care of myself for what umm five six years now...I think I can do it...I know I can...well I guess I should be on my way...later

chasing
I don't chase people I hate that....I hate when you meet some one and they expect you to chase after them...I'm sorry but I'm not a LOSER...if you don't show me interest then I don't think you have any interest...therefore I move on...I think that whole "chase me chase me" mantality that guys have is discusting...why don't you fucking chase me!?!?! hahaha seriously though...I have too many other things to do in life then to chase around some dumb boy...if you like me you like me...don't make me guess cause if you do I'm done...I'm moving on...you're not worth my time...I find it selfish...very selfish...well Now that I'm done bitching I'll be on my way....bye

Find me....Please................
I want to
I want to be someone else or I'll explode
Floating upon this surface for the birds
The birds
The birds
You want me?
Fucking, well come and find me
I'll be waiting
With a gun and a pack of sandwiches

And nothing

You want me?
Well, come on and break the door down
You want me?
Fucking come on and break the door down

I'm ready

Bop bop bop bop...da da la de da...Go ahead world...spin away...all I needed was this running start...and now I'm ready to leap into your hectic orbit...and now I can say with no further adieu ...I've let go...in every sense but bad...and my god it feels good...Ash...I love you girl...Cheyenne I wish I could sneeze all the time...haha...asdlkfasldkfjalsjdlfasldfklsadfjlsadjfl

empty
I want this empty feeling to just...go away...I want to wake up in the morning...and think man I'm happy...not for any particular reason other then the fact I'm not sad...my whole life I've always been so happy and my god the things I've been through and I never once thought I would feel so...so...empty and then one day it just hit me...it fucking socked me in the face and said...fuck you Karen...you know not of this thing called happiness...it is a blur of the past to you now...The whole world is spinning and I'm just standing still in the middle people are passing me by I get a glimps of them from time to time they cross my path only stopping for a moment just enough time for me to begin to really care and then bam they're gone...on with their lives...and there I am in the middle going no where but insane...with nothing to show but memories and dizzy headaches wishing that some how...I could go...just go...my lifes a pond of stagnant water...and through everything all I want is love...I crave it...help

Well I must say...I had a great time this weekend with Ashley and Cheyenne and Brian and Sean and yeah it was just so much fun...like we hung out at Cheyenne's on friday and then came home for a few hours saturday then went camping saturday night...Mariposa is so pretty...I like it there so much...have you ever been so happy you never thought you could ever be happier...and then something even better happens...it's an amazing feeling...meeting amazing people...who make you feel good about yourself...all I can say is thank you....I had a great time...Ash...GET 'ER DONE!!!! haha I think I need to sneeze.........I miss you so much...I've missed you every single day for the past like month...every day...I take the pictures down put them on my desk...I'll throw them out today...nope they're back up tomorrow...over and over and over what the hell is wrong with me...I've done all I can to stand on the steps with my heart in my hand...Go John Mayer...

We're writing this together together together
Well hello hello...this is Karen....and Ashley speaking....And we're going to tell you alittle bit about our night and how much fun we had and are going to have tomorrow and this whole weekend....take it away Ash...
Ashley: "well karen...haha...ahhhhhhhhhh tommorow!!!!!! eww do you recall that tweek in taco bell tonight..he sounds like an interesting opening topic..."
Karen:"ahhhh that guy was so fucking weird dude...so he comes into taco bell and Ash and I are sitting there minding our own business eating some dinner when he starts like talking all this weird stuff to us...just to fill you in...ash tell em' more"
Ashley: "yup thats right! and he was fiddling with one half of a lap top! ha! what a re-nob! so yeah boy!!....he was all asking us our names and saying he was a millionaire but he just "feels like being homeless" tonight! ha what a crock! oh!!! off the topic (sort of)...i really wish that REAL hobo took me (or us) up on our offer to buy him dinner!!"
Karen:"I know dude that was lame!! but yeah so that other guy who was like practically harassing us was so crazy and there was this cool like older guy there and like I kept looking at him and he was like asking me if we were okay and what not and like then when he asked us loud enough for the bum to hear the bum went crazy and like was like talking about beating his ass and how he is probably a child molester!!!ahhhh so crazy!!!!!!!!...Tell them about that guy at the theatre..."
Ashley: "soooooo yes..unlike most mercedians, karen and i ALWAYS find something spectacular to do. so we arrive at the parking lot of the down town theater and decide to walk down to cold stone to see if we wanted any ice cream. We started singing this really catchy tune when we got out of the car and i turn around to see this flaming homosexual of a guy behind us and i recognize that it was this perv who asked karen for her number while we were thrift clothes shopping...karen...tell them what we did.."
Karen:"First off as you recall from my previous entries this loser guy got my number a while back and calls me non fucking stop...so finally it's been like a good week since the last time he called me and I was a bit excited for this fact until tonight...dum dum dum....so we see him and so I being a retard start to like speed walk away from him and then the speed walk turns into a sort of jog so I'm sure it was quite obvious to him that I was trying to get away and we were like laughing like little school girls haha so then we get to cold stone and by this time he's like right fucking behind us...so I see my friend Dante and I go up to him like to ask for his help and I'm like bent down wispering to him and the guy comes walking by and gives me the dirtiest look ever like he knew I was trying to get away from him...it was sort of rude but he was a weirdo man...but any who enough about that lets talk about this WEEKEND WOOOOOOO HOOOOOO you start Ashley..."
Ashley: "So if this weekend isnt the funnest thing thats ever going to happen i dont know what will be! ahhh im so exicted! i really miss brian but in less then 24 hours i will be with him and i guess i can restrain myself (haha...restrain!! ahh!) for the time being but honestly..ive anticipated this weekend for my entire life! and the funny thing is i didnt know it till about a week ago! but yeah..brian if you ever read this! i cant wait to see you and i miss you like crazy so there...! now karen..i want to hear your two cents so put it in!!!"**
Karen:"Well Ash I too am extrememy excited for this weekend...infact I must admit that I am more excited then I thought I would be...I'm excited to see Shian woo hoo!!!! We are going to get our party on with hot boys....guys I should say...Men hahahaha wooo fucking hooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh yeah I forgot to tell you that when I was talking to Shian right now he was like telling me how he is "Just going to rest up tonight....for tomorrow night..."YAY!!! it's been like what a week or so since I saw him last this is going to be great dude Ashley how did we do it!?!?!?! Best friends....Best friends....ahhh we are like so lucky hahaha I feel like such a dork writing all of this but ummmmm for now I think I'm pretty much out of words but I think I'll leave with saying one thing...I am Neon black VAPOR!!!!!!!!!!!!ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this weekend is going to be great MARIPOSA HERE WE COME...any last words you'd like to add ash...?"
Ashley: "As a matter of fact yes! ok..to all of you reading this..you dont realize how BAD ASS our situation is right now. see.........shian and brian are best friends..and karen and i are best friends...and these guys have to be the most amazing guys weve ever met. i mean wouldnt you agree karen??! i mean come on!! woooooooooooo! !@#$%^&YHJGDVFCim sooooooooooo fucking happpppppppppppy!"
Karen and Ashley:"GOOD FUCKING NIGHT!!!!!!!!!"
**So put it in eh Ash hahaha you are hilarious!!!

Well...spring break was great fun...if I do say so myself. And now we are back to the regular hustle and bustle of life...20 more days of school WOW if that isn't excitement...you're a dull person! So Ashley and I are going to go to Mariposa again this weekend I believe.. which should prove to be fun and exciting...Tomorrow I'm off to Fresno State to go to this young writers conference...I don't know I'm a bit hesitant on going I'm not too close with the others going but I would really like to go for the experience. I get to meet this creative writing professor and get tips for writing and what not...so That guy from Mariposa called my finally I didn't think he was actually going to...he's a really cool person I think we are going to hang out this weeken which should be fun...I did not smoke ONCE today can you believe it haha the one day everyone in the united states is smoking is the ONE day I'm not hahaha how ironic...So it's like eleven at night and I have to get up at like five thirty in the morning and my sheets are in the drier so I have to wait until they're done gay yes...? Well I should be on my way sheets or no sheets I'm tired damn it and already bitter about what time I have to get up tomorrow...it better be damn fun...haha later